The Necessity of Self Love

The brilliant Maria Popova, whose infinitely generous newsletter BrainPickings is one of my most treasured weekly gifts, has devoted her most recent offering to the primary necessity – if we want to move in the world as loving people – of self love. Here, she introduces the poem “The TrueLove” by Irish poet David Whyte:

That difficult, delicate, triumphal pivot from self-limitation to self-liberation in the most vulnerable-making of human undertakings — love — is what poet and philosopher David Whyte, who thinks deeply about these questions of courage and love, maps out in his stunning poem “The Truelove,” found in his book The Sea in You: Twenty Poems of Requited and Unrequited Love (public library) and read here, by David’s kind assent to my invitation, in his sonorous Irish-tinted English voice, in his singular style of echoing lines to let them reverberate more richly:

THE TRUELOVE
by David Whyte

There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.

Years ago in the Hebrides,
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of baying seals,
who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,

and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them

and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly
so Biblically
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love

so that when
we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you simply don’t want to
any more
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness
however fluid and however
dangerous to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

The Sea in You: Twenty Poems of Requited and Unrequited Love
by David Whyte

“The Truelove” appears in the short, splendid course of poem-anchored contemplative practices David guides for neuroscientist and philosopher Sam Harris’s Waking Up meditation toolkit, in which he reads each poem, offers an intimate tour of the landscape of experience from which it arose, and reflects on the broader existential quickenings it invites.
– Marie Popova

Listen to David Whyte read “The TrueLove”

See more on Brainpickings

Resources for Practicing Lovingkindness toward a difficult person

Intro to Practicing Lovingkindness toward a Difficult Person (15:05)

Guided Meditation on Practicing Lovingkindness Toward a Difficult Person (16:26)

You can read Thich Nhat Hahn’s poem “Call Me by My True Names” here.

Because I am so early in my own practice of lovingkindness toward a difficult person and find it so hard and complicated, I leant heavily on the work of Sharon Salzburg in our session today. Somehow I find it reassuring to learn that even after 40 years of continuous practice, she still struggles. As she wrote in her book Real Love, “I remember complaining to a friend about someone we both knew, and she said, ‘Haven’t you read your own book?’ Recognizing when our actions don’t match our aspirations can also be an act of love.”

I can’t recommend Real Love highly enough (and also Salzberg’s earlier book, Lovingkindness), and her chapters about practicing lovingkindness toward people who have hurt us or who we feel perpetrate injustice are particularly valuable. I hope you will attain one or the other of these books. Lovingkindness is a life’s work, and Salzberg’s writing can inspire you to integrate it into your life, even if only for a few moments each day. Further on, you will find the quotations from her writing that I shared today.

Many of the comments after today’s meditation revolved around the sense of futility we can feel practicing lovingkindness toward someone who seems unchangeable or who we feel is doing real damage in the world. It is important to remember that the transformation that matters most is inside oneself, and lovingkindness practice is first and foremost a way to support our own growing sense of agency and personal freedom. Civil rights warrior John Lewis has written extensively about this and you can find some relevant excerpts from his book Across that Bridge here.

Below are some excerpts from Sharon Salzburg’s Real Love Continue reading

A poem of Lovingkindness from Thich Nhat Hahn

Thich Nhat Hahn’s poem “Please Call Me by My True Names” is hard for many people because he suggests a sense of connection not only with those who suffer cruelty, but also with those who perpetrate it.

Thay has written about the genesis of that poem. Half of the refugees who fled South Vietnam in boats after the fall never made it to shore. Thich Nhat Hahn’s community at Plum Village in France received thousands of letters seeking help from people who made it to refugee camps. One day, they received a letter telling about a young girl on a small boat who was raped by a Thai pirate. Continue reading

More Resources for LovingKindness

Intro: Lovingkindness Continued (11:40)

Note: we had a quick checkin during the introductory remarks, and for your privacy I have cut out all voices but my own.

Guided Meditation (15:25)

There are now hundreds of studies from neuroscience and other fields of medical and psychological research that demonstrate the benefits of meditation. The practice of Lovingkindness has distinctive benefits, which you can read about here.

The research also shows, however, that the benefits accrue from regular practice, even if for only a few moments a day. So I will invite you this week to experiment with integrating a minute or two of lovingkindness into your day, tied to some particular moment or habitual action — perhaps as you wake up or drift off to sleep. Or you might set the intention that when you have an idle moment and reach for your phone, you will pause for a moment first and invoke a few phrases of metta for yourself, someone you know, or the stranger you see across the street.

Sharon Salzberg has made a delightful series of short videos on “Street Lovingkindness,” momentary practices when you are stuck in traffic or waiting in line. They are under two minutes each, and well worth your time. You can see them here.

The power of lovingkindness is experiential rather than intellectual, and so is perhaps best introduced through story. You can find the story of Sharon Salzberg’s first experience with the practice in last week’s resources. And below is an excerpt from Gil Fronsdal’s book A Monastery Within. Continue reading

What the Scientists Say about Lovingkindness

Over the past many years, scientists have been studying the neurological and physiological effects of meditation and other mindfulness practices. This article from Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health summarizes some of the recent studies that focus on the benefits of lovingkindness practice in particular. Read the article for more nuance (and you can find a somewhat more academic article with more extensive citations here) but a quick summary of these benefits includes:

  • Reduces the stress response
  • Reduces inflammation
  • Builds personal resources:  cognitive, emotional and physical resiliency
  • Increases the experience of positive emotions, including love, joy, gratitude, contentment, hope, pride, interest, amusement, and awe
  • Changes the brain in positive ways, most especially the insula and the temporal parietal juncture (TPJ) areas associated with empathy and the ability to attune to others.
  • Increases a sense of social connectedness, even with strangers.

For these benefits to occur, it is important to practice at least a few minutes of lovingkindness a day. It’s not enough to do so only once a week or so.

The good news is that lovingkindness practice is suited to even the smallest bits of time. Check out Sharon Salzberg’s videos on “Street Lovingkindness” here — each one is under two minutes in length, and well worth your time.

Resources for Lovingkindness toward the Self

Intro to Lovingkindness for the Self

Guided Meditation: Lovingkindness for the Self

Metta in Poems and Laughter: This post includes a short and charming  video that introduces the basic practice of metta or loving kindness and also includes the poem “Love Does That” by Meister Eckhart which was part of this week’s guided  meditation.

I quoted the biblical scholar Ralph Davis on the meaning of the hebrew word heed, which is found in the Bible some thirty times and translated as Lovingkindness in the King James version: “hesed often has that flavor: it is not merely love, but loyal love; not merely kindness, but dependable kindness; not merely affection, but affection that has committed itself.” Ralph Davis, Focus on the Bible Commentaries Continue reading

The Gift of Loving Presence

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Arthur Hedges with his grandson Andy

Our cowboy-songster friend Andy Hedges lost his grandfather, his Zanzan, last night, and this tribute by Andy’s wife, Alissa, moved me deeply. There is no greater comfort than being in the presence of a truly loving spirit. May we all find such generosity and ability to love in our hearts.

Married for over 76 years to the same woman. Not just married, but truly in love, smitten. He said she was perfect, and you knew by the way his voice cracked when he said it that he meant it.

When his family was gathered, he would bless the meal. In prayer, this grown man would pray the most sincere prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving. He often had to stop in the middle of these prayers and regain composure.

He would take every one of my newborn babies in his lap and rock to them and sing to them. “I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around your neck.” Unashamed baby talk from one of the biggest most manly men I knew….

Somehow he managed to make everyone who stepped into his home feel truly loved and valued. He told me he loved me every time he saw me and I believed him. I wasn’t born into his family, but I felt like one of his own….

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Invitations: Lovingkindness

Art of Communication Week 1:  Lovingkindness

  1. Review the practice of lovingkindness by watching this short, 7-minute video that takes you through the expanding circles of compassion with humor and poetry. Remember that you don’t need to practice for each circle every time. Especially in the beginning, you might want to offer lovingkindness to yourself and/or a beloved friend or mentor. In time you can expand those offerings to a neutral person, a difficult person, and all beings.
  2. Do a lovingkindness meditation at least once or twice this week. If you don’t have a lot of experience, guided meditations are invaluable. You can access a written script by Jack Kornfield here. You can access a selection of recorded guided meditations here, or by clicking on the Meditations tab in the top menu.
  3. If you find yourself addicted to the news, consider stopping for a few moments before you click on Facebook or a news site and offering yourself and others phrases of lovingkindness. Invite yourself to feel the experience of loving and of being loved in every cell of your body. Rest in this awareness. Perhaps you will decide to put off the “horror scrolling” for another time.
  4. You might want to find three or four short phrases that feel particularly tailored to you right now, such as “May I be loving; may I be loved; may I be able to receive love in the ways it is offered.”   Or, try the phrases below from Jon Kabat Zinn. Call on them whenever you are feeling stressed.

    May I be happy
    May I be healthy
    May I ride the waves of my life
    May I live in peace
    No matter what I am given

    May you be happy
    May you be healthy
    May your ride the waves of your life
    May you live in peace
    No matter what you are given

    May we be happy
    May we be healthy
    May we ride the waves of our lives
    May we live in peace
    No matter what we are given.

Metta in Poems and Laughter

This darling video on metta or lovingkindness is as profound as it is sweet (and yes, I have reached an age where I can call something darling without apology, especially when done by darling, brilliant, loving young people.)

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Manidha and Alice in Seattle prepared this 7-minute video for a 2013 retreat sponsored by the Buddhist Centre Online. They talk about the five circles of lovingkindness — for self, a loved one, a neutral person, a difficult person, and for all beings — and share a poem for each one. You can watch it here.

The poems are drawn from the book Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West, compiled and interpreted by Daniel Ladinsky. Here is one of them, by the German theologian, philosopher and mystic, Meister Eckhart:

LOVE DOES THAT
by Meister Eckhart

All day long a little burro labors, sometimes
with heavy loads on her back and sometimes just with worries
about things that bother only
burros.

And worries, as we know, can be more exhausting
than physical labor.

Once in a while a kind monk comes
to her stable and brings
a pear, but more
than that,

he looks into the burro’s eyes and touches her ears

and for a few seconds the burro is free
and even seems to laugh, because love does
that.

Love frees.

— Meister Eckhart, born c. 1260 AD